I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
