i jhust puked up my retainher.
i already hear my dad disowning me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
