She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
me + whiskey = a bad person
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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