3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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