Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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