Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
