I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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