I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
