but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
