My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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