I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
