Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize