Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
