I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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