Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
