Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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