I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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