i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
