You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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