i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
