one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
