so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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