is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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