can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
