Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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