What did we do last night that was yellow?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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