I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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