He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
