I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
