I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
