I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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