I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Randomize
