6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
