Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
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I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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