He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
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Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
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The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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