If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
