I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
