I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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