Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
