I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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