I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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