I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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