He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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