How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
