it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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