i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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