I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
