I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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