Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
