dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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