seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
