I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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