I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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