you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes