please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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