I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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