By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
