My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
