I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
