We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
