I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
